On another note...

This was much more important to me than it makes itself out to be.

I'd like to share with you...

Click. Click. Click.

Rolling my ankles in bed.  Listening to it click click click.

Thinking... a little more has happened since my last update on the living-your-dreams front.  Getting a little busier, a little more buzz... seems like it's going up.  I never want to talk about the work that I'm doing though because I'm afraid I'll just jinx it all away.  I'm my worst critic... my worst friend... my greatest tormentor.  Things can be good but I'm not sure I'll let it.  Dream-wise however... I'm still headed North.

Been planning and un-planning some travel for the next year.  I am terrible at committing to things in the future.  Only because I'm afraid I'll be missing out on something else during the time I decide to be away.  Seems kind of silly though.  Whatever I'd be missing out on probably wouldn't compare to the experiences I'd have going somewhere else.  Just another issue of mine.  Seems like issues are becoming a common theme in my life lately.  Issues.  Issues.  Issues.

Click click click click click.

Douchebags, Pt. 1

If you've ever worked in any area of the service industry, you're probably aware of the fact that even the sweetest person has an absolutely douchebag side of them that unleashes itself only in specific situations.  Namely, situations where YOU have to cater to them.  Some days, I shrug it off and laugh at the idiocy of the general masses and pat myself on the back for knowing better.  Other days, I WANT TO RIP MY FACE OFF.

Here are a few examples of people that make me want to shred my epidermis.

1) People who don't abide by the rules.

Take this sentence and study it.  

You have [x] amount of days for a full refund, and [x] amount of days for an exchange.  

Now, assuming that you've all passed Grade 3 English with somewhat flying colours, that sentence probably makes complete sense to you right?  Wrong.  When you come up to me in the store, with no tags, no receipt, on the x+20 day past a refund and are told that I cannot do anything for you besides abide by my store policy - WHICH IS A POLICY, not God's way of humouring me and finally kicking in some of your bad karma - you begin to sputter and essentially lose your face at me.  Why?  Have you been the exception to rules your entire life?  How do you have the nerve to look me in the face and tell me it's "ridiculous?" What's ridiculous?  The concept of an employee following the rules set by their employer?  Do you also evade taxes and jay-walk across highways?  Walk out of restaurants and jerk-off on the subway?  Are you... are you freaking kidding me?  

I'm guessing that the type of people who have this worthless sense of entitlement that they place upon themselves like a magical shimmering hat before they leave the house every morning are not a shade too far from the next type...

2) People who are constantly living on Bourne Supremacy time.

"I can't be bothered to answer your questions, I'm in a bit of a rush."

"I'm double-parked outside, could you please hurry?"

"Are you the only cashier available?"

Listen, I get it.  If you're shopping somewhere like Geriatric-supporting Metro and the line is moving slower than my split ends, it's frustrating.  You, however, are the third person in my line.  The third.  You see me doing my job.  I'm not dilly-dallying, yet you choose to sigh, exhale, tsk, and roll your eyes as if I was just standing there in nipple tassles... dancing to Katy Perry... in slow motion.  You're also the type to scream at your children when your wi-fi goes down for 5 minutes, or take it out on your husband's poor table manners because your Rogers on Demand is being updated while your shows are on.

Calm down.  If you don't have enough time to shop, don't come into the shop in a whirlwind of drama and frustration.  Take an extra half-hour to come in, or go the next day.  I don't work in a factory of nuclear supplies... or even a grocery store.  There can't be anything life-or-death dependent about a silk dress.  

You gay Jason Bourne soccer mom.  Life moves at a certain pace.  You're simply unhappy with your life, not my problem.   Don't make me unhappy to serve your ungrateful ass.

To be continued...

it rains every wednesday

What is the meaning of the Facebook relationship?  Why do people need to publicly validate themselves and their relationships on the internet?

Well... I guess we all feel the need to validate ourselves in the internet... otherwise you wouldn't be reading this right now and I would be writing this in a journal, never to be shared with the world until my future children find it one day, stowed away in an attic somewhere, long after I've departed this world.  We write blogs to cement our thoughts into the world.  So I guess cementing your relationship status via Facebook is somewhat like claiming your territory.  That much is obvious.  I think most girls who do the whole "in a relationship with [insert temporary name here]", do it as a sort of metaphorical peeing-on-your-property-to-mark-it kind of nature.  It just seems so fake.  And fueled by negative thoughts such as insecurity, jealousy, and immaturity, to name a few.

If you're in a relationship, a happy relationship, and you love one another... why do I need to know?  I'm not looking at him.  Especially now that I know he's in a relationship on Facebook.

Ha!

So.  Since TEDx I've been spiraling up and down within my wants and needs of LIFE.  It was insanely inspiring and 200% humbling.  I really don't know why my application was chosen to be apart of such a motivated and inspiring audience.  I felt like I had very little to add to a lot of the conversations I partook in that day.  I'm going to bank on it being a sign from the universe that I'm not a lost cause and to get my shit together ASAP.  Still have not come to any conclusions... but I've been reality checking every single day.  Every day feels like 24 hours too short.  It's hard to stay focused when I'm so scattered... AH.  Even this post is all over the place.

I've been indulging in mini shopping sprees several times a week again.  I find that when I'm a little lost in my head I like to wander alone in malls and stores and just add eclectic pieces to my closet.  Dress for the life you want, create outfits for days you'd like to be apart of.  If it wasn't for my need to have a morally sound career, I would have jumped back first into fashion a long time ago.  It's just SO superficial though.  I don't want to get hit by a bus tomorrow and know that my last great move in life was helping a rich person spend money on beautiful yet extremely unnecessary material goods.

Maybe there's something to it though.

REAL.

So.  It's Jersday AKA laundry day AKA uploading and editing videos day.


If only I could clock in in the morning to be this productive all day.  One day my return will come to me though... right?


A few things going through my mind...


1) Tomorrow I'm going to the TEDxToronto conference downtown.  I have no idea what to expect, and I like it.  I'm hoping whatever white noise I'm getting in my head about my life will find an answer somewhere within TEDx.  Please!


2) Would it be considered spreading myself too thin if I took on a jewelry making course?  It's always been a keen interest of mine.  It's kind of random though and probably not one of my top priorities (what are my priorities, anyway...)


3) I hate music theory with the burning passion of a thousand suicidal Spartans fighting in the blazing Sun.


4) Here are the videos I posted today.  One of them is from a while back, but I always liked the clip - not so much because I think we performed well but more because I like to think about how I felt when doing this dance (HAPPY).  The other one is a clip from yesterday's class.  I want to keep moving up.  I don't want to step on anybody's toes, but I am loving this progression.  Is the pie big enough for all of us to get a slice?  I think so.  I mean there should be.  Some of us are hungrier than others though.  This train of thought is starting to ramble off into terrible metaphors land.  Going to stop now.  Anyway, I am so thankful to have students that come to my class, I am super major appreciative of the friends that I have that support me in everything I do, I am fantastically aware of the amazing relationship I am in and will never ever ever take advantage of the life my parents gave me.


Clip from a while back:

Clip from yesterday:

That's all!  Until the next one.

D.O.A.

I'm working hard and I'm glad to see I'm not alone!  These girls smasssshedddd yesterday in class.  It's not about the choreography, it's about the energy you bring.  Choreography you can clean up but personality is hard to teach...

Reminder

My passions orbit around the Arts. I am inspired by anything remotely creative. As a child I grew up as a disciplined musician, beginning piano at the age of 5 and picking up the violin shortly after. In university, I decided to leap at the opportunity of joining a dance club and discovered my latest and greatest love, dance. After convocation I went to NYC to train and the experience confirmed my love for creativity and surrounding myself with fellow artists. I've never known exactly what I wanted to do. I've never exactly tapped in to what I might be great at. I've only ever been sure of the fact that I want to find a way to share the positive experiences I've had with music, art, and dance with others in hopes that it will bring them as much light in life as it has done for me.

There's just too much.


Be stronger.  Be better.  Hit harder.  Hit softer.  Get loose.  Drop your head.  Fix your posture.  Let everything go.  Contain yourself.  Listen.  Don't let others influence you.  Stay pure.  Blend in.


I think I've used up my mental health days for 2011...


It's not an easy fucking road.

backtofeelingthisway

I'm just not good enough.

What I've been up to...

I am so proud.

It doesn't have to be perfect.  As long as you caught the feeling, my job is done.  Hip-Hop comes from the heart - leave that right and wrong to ballet.

I didn't forget about you.

I just need to sleep... I'll share my thoughts soon.

optimismshmoptimism

I think things might be looking up...

Why wait for opportunities when you can create them yourself right?

I hope everything I'm anticipating for falls into their rightful places.  At the right times.

And when they do, I promise to share it with you.

one...two...three...

What is it that you're looking for?

If you've found it, what more do you need?

If you can't come up with a problem... don't find a solution.  

Some things, like breathing, were meant to be uncomplicated...

...but like breathing, sometimes the pressure of the atmosphere changes our functions, our processes... a hiccup can turn into a disaster...

...but often times, in retrospect,  it was simply because we weren't breathing deep enough...

facingyourpeers

So last Sunday I participated in an awesome event, an annual dance battle hosted by dancers I have always respected and looked up to.  I arrived surprised and on time, surprised because I thought I was going to have to miss the whole thing due to being scheduled for work the same day.  Having gotten there before it started I decided at the last minute to sign up to battle (or in my head, at least do the prelims - which is as far as I got anyway).

As soon as I paid the cheaper entrance fee for battling instead of sitting in the audience, I could feel my heart start racing.  I haven't been training, I'm not dressed properly in any of my battle/confidence giving clothing, there are so many good dancers here... brain explosion, panic attack ensuing, etc.  Of course, even though I've already come a long way from last September when I had completely zilch battle experience and couldn't even freestyle in front of my own friends, every time I step into an environment as inviting yet intimidating as a dance battle with seasoned dancers in my vicinity, I can begin to feel my heart beating in my lungs again.

Calm down.  It's just dancing.  Just have fun.  It's just dancing... all I ever want from myself is to give ONLY myself on the floor.  Me, myself, and I... no fears, no peers, no pressure.  Breathe... look at every one else enjoying themselves, enjoying the dance... listen to the music, let the music guide you, after all, you're not the one speaking.  It's already saying something... just listen and respond.

So you do.  And it's never as bad as you think it will be.

questions

Do you think just anyone can be successful?  How much is the amount of success in your future predetermined and how much is manageable by your work ethic?  I've always been hyper aware of the fact that it's not the most talented people that get what they want or the jobs they deserve, it's the most persistent people.  In fact, the majority of people who are blessed with natural talents are usually the ones that need to be motivated by their less abled yet more motivated peers.

So.. where do most of us fit in?  Star quality, business prowess... the ability to be gracious in every occasion and liked by every person who comes your way... is it sent from the heavens to us like a lottery?  I don't know.  I guess most would agree that hard work + hard work + talent = success.  (And in this day and age sometimes less than average talent + dumb luck + the internet = big bucks).

I guess there are no other options except to work hard at our crafts every single day and try to slot ourselves into every opportunity we can find, just hoping that one day success will appear in our hands.  Hoping.  Not ever sure.  Maybe some people are just born to stumble across that pot of gold.  Maybe they are born knowing where to find it while the rest of us simply search our whole lives, yearning.  Maybe our futures have already been determined for us...




Maybe.

Maybe is good enough for me.

themuseinamusing

After all, what is life without drama and mystery?

waitingforfall

(images via jakandjil)

"Layering is such a talent.  It's a way of dressing that is very personal." - ELLE JULY 2011

I can't wait for a little breeze in the weather to justify socks in booties and scarves over cropped jackets.  The sweltering heat we are experiencing right now gives you almost nothing to work with.  Zero mystery.  On the flipside I guess there is something to enjoy about that sweaty and passionate summer heat.

Post-Script
I guess this is the second time I've mentioned mystery + style in one thought.  People always say "dress for the job you want, not the one you have" or other metaphorical interpretations of the idea that your clothing basically speaks as an aesthetic summary of your personality on your mouth's behalf.  Visuals are everything.  The way you've dressed yourself today has been deliberately chosen by your subconscious to portray who you want the world to see you as today.  A rebel, a bombshell, the girl/guy next door - each character you dress as  comes equipped with a backstory.  Hence the more layers, the more drama and mystery. Therefore, as you add more of these story-like elements you add to your wardrobe you become a little bit more interesting - to look at... maaaybe not to speak to.  But hey, could've fooled me!

I was here.

"I was here.  I lived, I loved.  I was here." - Beyonce, "I was here"

I wanna leave a footprint on the sands of time...


Isn't everyone just trying to leave their mark on this world?  Something that will live on long after they cease to exist?  Is that what this is really all about?  Everyday is a new challenge to make a bigger impression on not just the people around you but the UNIVERSE as a living and breathing being.  All those teenagers carving their names into the bathroom walls... Mike was here, Cristina + Dave forever - it's not just a silly game.  It's their subconscious reaching out and saying "hey, this won't be here forever!  Better make your mark now."  Years from now someone might look back and wonder who scratched their name into their classroom desk, and that's more than you could have hoped for.

To be remembered.

It's a simple thing with a big intent behind it.  We're all chasing dreams, holding on to loved ones... just trying to leave something - kids, graffiti, businesses, buildings - anything that we hope will remain permanent while we acknowledge our inevitable impermanency.

Remember me while I'm here.  Please remember me when I'm gone.  That's all...

thatrestlessfeeling

I'm in the mood to travel.  I think I need to be re-inspired all over again.

tribalbible

I'm wondering how many people would pay me to do their nails... Wednesday's inspiration.

This made me cry.  I am proud of her even though I have never met her.  She is a voice for all the thoughts I can't put together about my life's desires summed up in one quotation I wish I had the guts to wholeheartedly follow.

"I don't have to prove anything to anyone.  I only have to follow my heart, and concentrate on what I want to say to the world.  I run my world."

VANESSAxRAWDANCECREW

A special performance with 3/4 of the boys from Raw Dance Crew to choreography I made for last week's class!  It's been a minute since I've been messing around with formations and working on performance so it was really nice getting back into it.  I've been meaning to record something proper for a while so I'm glad these guys are always on the same brainwaves as me.  Special thanks to Jimmy for the camera and Gregory for being the eyes I can trust to record with... although sometimes he forgets to press start.  Bloopers to come soon.

Anyway, enough of the blah blah blah - hope you enjoy our Monday choreo short!

Today's got me feelin' like

XO

oh, spring was fast

Wondering when I'll be bored enough to do these again...

paincanmakeyouwanttolovenomore

My first dance class was in April.  Can you believe it's been nearly three months?

I have loved teaching from the very start.  When I was first asked to teach at this studio... I don't think many people would have guessed that I was very skeptical.  Not in the job, but in myself.  Would I be any good at teaching?  Do I even have enough experience to share with strangers?  I felt like I was still paying my dues.  I mean I still feel like that... honestly, I was talked into it.  By non-dancers, nonetheless.  People who gave me a clear perspective, and so far?  It has been the best decision of this year.  The students don't know this, but I need them more than they need me.  It is humbling, grounding, encouraging and inspiring to meet these motivated people week after week.  So thank you, and let's keep it moving...

LOBSTERVATIONS #1

If your cellphone background is a picture of your own face, you're probably a douchebag.

iworkinretail;mywalletHATESme

I just googled "shoe closet" and my mind exploded in a symphony of envy and admiration... and plots to destroy all the owners of these magnificent shoe closets.

Is there anything better than shoes on top of shoes on top of shoes?

downtothelastdetail

I am obsessed with jewelry that makes you seem more mysterious than you actually are.

I think there's a fork up ahead...

And then she asked me, “Are you good enough to be pursuing this dream?” 

I honestly didn’t have an answer.  Everyday I continue down this dirt road towards.. what?  Something.  A glimmer of something that will complete me… a dream I’ve yet to have.  Every day I continue down this same path because I come across new people, new obstacles that I overcome and make me feel like I can take on the world.  I can do anything.  Even through all these mini goals I’ve achieved, however, it never silences the voice in my head that tells me I’m just an ignorant fool chasing after a world that will never accept me for who I am.  I’m not special.  I’m not good enough.  There’s nothing optimistic about this post… It’s not meant to be motivational.  Tonight I felt the other side of the starving artist life and I wasn’t prepared for it.  ”How long do you see yourself doing this for?”  I wanted to shout FOREVER… I wasn’t prepared.  I’m not good enough… I’ll never make it.  ”This begs the question… what do you want?”, he asked me.  

I honestly didn’t have an answer.